alexander_ian

I work and work and work but I literally have close to nothing to show for it. I've only been getting paid about 150 a week average and its making me so upset lately, I really am going to have to quit for a better job or get an over night one. I really mis crissy a lot and I've been hoping she's been okay. I went to six fkags on the 6th and saw some people from there but kinda stayed outta the way so I wouldn't be seen. The outro to the salesman, the husband, the lover has been stuck in my head all day.
"Be a lightbulb"
I'm a wishbone
"Be a rifle, a telephone"
I'm just here for you to use
I've got nothing left to lose
I'm the wardship battle
I'm the remnants of the precious metals that weigh you both down
We are heavied, oh so heavy
I hate that the first time I heard it I immeadiately thought of robert and I.

I just regret ever letting myself get this attached to you. I'm trying so hard to forget it all and work on making sure I'm alright and giving you space but literally all your pathetic ex wants to do, is rub my nose in things and beat me down using you as my weakness. Then you just talk to me like I don't even deserve to exist and like I never mattered at all to you. You don't say the things you said to me and act like this, you don't tell someone for the first time they're important and irreplaceable then treat them like you could care less if they lived or died. You don't still, to this day tell a person you love them but give them the cold shoulder while favoring someone you "hate". Things like these coupled with all the shit I deal with and have dealt with my entire life are what push people over the edge and to their breaking point. I'm at that edge and I've already snapped.

I covered mariquina(sp?)'s shift at work today and was almost late. Jonathan came in at around 10 and made everything a living hell for the lunch rush. He kept messing up orders and running everything wrong all while asking me for multiple "favors". I got paid too and was extremely disappointed, not only do I bust my ass and work full time, I make close to nothing doing it. I got home and passed out till about 8 then went to get krystianna a graduation present(because nyshias a dumb bitch who won't get off of her ass); while paying I had to pee and I gave my mom my card. She bought 30$ of things for herself and got 100$ cash back. I'm so frustrated because she refuses to admit she does it and blames it on walmart. I need to get out of here, I need to know there's more than this.

I only got to sleep for about an hour and a half last night before I had to go into work at 8am and it made me feel shitty all day. At one point we were swamped with customers and I got extremely pissed because this one man kept coming and literally every time he bought something he'd THROW his money at me (coins included). The last time he tried to do it I told him if he tried to one more time I was going to throw his order at him and it was disgust how disrespectful he was being; he followed with "I'm a senior citizen you have to respect me". I told him if he was my age I could guarentee I'd have already have punched him in his face and I got sent on break until the rush was over.
After that rush the day was pretty lazily paced and easy (aside from the fact that last night they left it a mess and we spent most of the day getting it spotless).
Charlie and I had a pretty good talk last night before I dropped my phone and fucked it up and today we both came to pretty heavy realizations about somethings. I fell asleep around five and asked my mom to get me up at 7 because I didn't want to sleep to long so I could actually sleep later. I just woke up, at 1005. I'm finally starting to amass money so I can move the hell out of this city and go make an attempt at being happy with crissy. I feel strange about it though because sometimes I worry I give her the impression that I wasn't serious about it or I was just humouring her. That's not it at all and I can easily say I've never wanted; needed to do something so bad in my life. I know things will be better if I'm around the right people, people who actually understand and care, people who won't fuck me over.

I'm done with whores, liars, sluts, players, mindfucks, games, immaturity, "friends", sex, exes, civility, pretending to be happy, saying I understand when I don't, dating, "talking", people checking up on me under the guise of being a good person, parents who blindly follow their children regardless of how horrible they are, friends who do the same, being sober, being nice, letting people walk all over me, thinking about november '08 - june '09, promises because apparently I'm the only person left alive who can keep them, doing things that people ask of me when they can't do the same,taking care of myself, not openly hating someone because I try to convince myself it makes me the bigger person, eating, relying on most others, holding on to mementos. There's so much more but I think most of all, I'm done trying to be a good fucking person when the world around me and just about everyone in it, are too focused on only themselves to notice. I'm not going to be the same anymore and I'm going to be bitter and say it is because of a certain course of events instigated by the insertion of a certain set of people into my life.

I hate feeling like I'm so fucking candidate or something. Like there are others just in case.